Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Fernando's Hideaway: Roseanne Roseannadanna

Saludos, my dah-lings. Welcome to the Hideaway. My goodness you are all looking mahvelous! And speaking of mahvelous did you read about Jonathan’s victory over Darkwing this past Saturday. Muy Bueno Juan! And not to be out done, “Stroller Boy” Chris went out on Sunday and completed a half marathon. I must tell you this grudge match is really heating up. I’m giddy with anticipation

As you can see, my intended guest Glenn Whelan is not with us. Between you and me dah-lings, Nando has learned a few things about the so called “abduction” of our favorite Mayor. And let me tell you, the truth, it is shocking, abso-lute-ly shocking. The good news is, that through ways of my own, I have secured exclusive rights to a first interview should he return from that galaxy far far away.

So this week dah-lings, we have a surprise guest, she’s a blast from the past, and perhaps the funniest lady who ever appeared on Saturday Night Live, The lovely Miss Gilda Radner.

Hey Nando you’re looking snappy today.

Why you are not the fabulous Gilda, you’re the fabulous Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Well isn’t that the observation of the year! First you invite the Mayor of Passamaquoddy, and he goes and gets himself kidnapped by a bunch of space thugs, Then your people call Gilda’s people at six o’clock this morning and you’re shocked when I show up instead.

Gilda’s very busy you know. I’m not complaining, so why should you? I’ll have you know that I spent 3 hours getting my hair done just right, so it could look as marvelous as yours. And let me tell you another thing, I Roseanne Roseannadanna don’t spend that kind of time on my hair for just any man. I did it for you darling.

Nando is touched, and your hair looks mahvelous. Roseanne do not be upset, I was not complaining. It’s just that I was not expecting to see you this week. Of course, as always, it is mahvelous to see you.

Don’t sweat it Fernanado.

Tell us dah-ling are you still receiving letters from that fellow in New Jersey?

Nando, it’s funny you should ask me that. I just happen to have a letter from Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey with me.

Mr. Feder writes me all the time. So often in fact, that I think I’m gonna die if I receive another letter. I mean isn’t there anyone else out there that can help this poor man? Anyway he writes….is it “hokey dokey” with you if I read this?

Please do.

Ok, so here we go.

Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,

Getting fit in New Jersey is no longer my cup of tea. I hate running here, I hate getting up early, I hate the lack of trails, I hate portion controls and weighing in, I hate the short jokes. Not everybody in New Jersey is short. I want to quit, what should I do?

Sounds like he has not changed much, what did you tell him?

With your permission I will answer him here.

Please do dah-ling.

Well, Mr. Feder, I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause this past summer, I -- Roseanne Roseannadanna – took up jogging in this hotsy-totsy town called Passamaquoddy. ... “P-Quoddy”, as we who live there call it, is this cute tiny town in Maine where everybody who's anybody goes to spend the summer. And I really love “P-Quoddy” 'cause the air is clean and you got the ocean and the trees -- plus, you get to see a lot of interesting people wearin' cute little white sailor caps, joggin' and ridin' bicycles and sweatin' and breathin' like pigs! ...

Everybody out there is either a real health nut or a fisherman. They jog and fish, jog and fish. That’s all these people do. Some of them write books, like this Fred Appleton guy. Now, Fred Appleton is that really smart guy from Wisconsin who used to write about corn, and how eating it can keep you healthy, and all those other books that have corn in the title: "Let's Eat Corn" "Knee Deep In Corn" "Let's Eat More Corn" "Corn In The Kingdom" "Live Long, Eat Corn” "My Life In A Corn Crib" "Corn Chowder and 100 other Corn recipes" "I’ma Cooking Corn with Imma” “Pass the Corn, Your Pa’s Hungry” and I don’t know how many others. You can pick them up at Imma Itchy’s B&B gift shop.

These days Fred writes about fish. And let me, Roseanne Roseannadanna tell you something, he knows nothing about fish. I also heard a rumor that he’s patented a corn juicing machine.

Corn juice? That does not sound yummy. I think he’s a few ears short of a bushel. If you know what I mean dah-ling. But we are getting off topic please let’s get back to Mr. Feder.

Well anyway, I Roseanne Roseannadanna, enjoy jogging so much, that last year I decided to run in the annual 8 mile Jules Verne Marathon. I mean hey, if Skipper Scopa and Captain Slippy can do it. So can I, right?

So there we are, all lined up early in the morning down by Cooper’s light. I’m wearing my favorite running shorts and my Team Voice shirt. I look over and there’s Captain Slippy wearing his yellow slicker, cap and rubber boots. So I say “hey Captain Gorton you’re gonna sweat like a broiled fish stick in that!” So there we were, all 11 of us, ready to go. The day was marvelous. A nice breeze was coming in from the sea and there was not a cloud in the sky. Then BANG the race began. Off we go, and about a mile in, I’m feeling good and thinking about how happy I am about making the choice to be fit and everything, when all of a sudden this smell hits me. Turns out a freezer unit failed over at Chum Shop Earth. Let me tell you, it made me sick. I looked over at Captain Slippy, it didn’t even phase him. In fact I think he liked it. Finally the air clears and I’m approaching the water station at mile 2. By now I’m warmed up and a drink sounds good. So I grab a cup and take a swig. Suddenly I’m thinking, I’m gonna die, who’s bright idea was it to pass out sea water? Needless to say I bypassed the remaining “water stations” and as I approach the final mile, I notice that instead of water they are handing out ice cream treats. So I said to myself, Roseanne Roseannadanna you’ve worked hard, you’ve earned this. Take the ice cream. As I jogged passed, I took the treat and put it in my mouth. Again I thought I was gonna die! Who puts raw Sea Perch in ice cream! A Sea Perch Pop-Up they called it. I actually found these in the store and do you know what I discovered? It’s pet food. It says so right there on the package in teeny tiny print. “Not intended for human consumption. This is a pet food product” It’s in the freezer case next to the Herring Whips. I guess some stock boy got confused.

Dah-ling you’re making all of us sick. Nando must stop you there. How does this help Mr. Feder?

Well, Nando, it just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you can't get motivated or you end up standing around with a Sea Perch Pop-Up in your mouth. It's just like the little prayer that my father used to say to me before I went to sleep at night. He'd make sure I was all tucked in, snug and cozy and everything, and he'd tell me this prayer that was written by my very religious aunt -- Hosanna Roseannadanna. ... I'm gonna tell it to you.

Now I lay me down to sleep
And though my legs are sore from joggin.
I hope I die before I wake
'Cause what if next time they put a frog in! ...

Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!

Good night Roseanne, Thanks for stopping by. Right now Nando is not feeling so mahvelous. I’ll see you all next time, right here in the Hideaway.

Editors Note: Visit with the Jules Verne planning committee and ban Skipper Scopas little buddy from any associated concession assignment.

Note to editor. Dear sir allow us to bring to your attention that at the time of this past years Jules Verne marathon, the consumption warning had not yet been placed on the Sea Perch Pop-Up packaging. It was only added after the lawfirm of Crane, Poole, and Schmit sent Alan Shore and Denny Crane up against Jonathan Dichter. Without disclosing any details of the case, please be advised that Mr. Dichter successfully defended his client and in the process dealt Denny Crane his first court room defeat. One result of the verdict is the consumption warning on the afore mentioned product and new packaging for the Purina product Frosty Paws.


Chris said...

Denny Crane, Denny Crane....................Denny Crane......

Rae! said...

It's just "Mad Cow'.